A New Chapter

My last post was my Halloween post... crazy! That is 4 months ago, when Grace was only 8 months old. My sweet Grace is now 1 YEAR OLD! So much has happened in her development and in our daily lives. Since my last post I also decided to change the title of this blog from "Baby Romero 2012" (obviously outdated since I didn't know Grace's gender or name when this was created!) to the current title, "Coming Home to Grace". I probably changed that around December, I don't remember. Well, do I have some news for you!

Ever since returning to work after maternity leave when Grace was 4.5 months old back in mid-July, I have sat at my desk and pleaded with God to let me take care of Grace full-time. Work has been slow and it felt like torture to sit there at my desk all day, far away from my baby, having no idea what she was doing and paying nearly $800 for it each month. I realized that there was a chance I could be laid off. My friend was laid off around December, and then our CEO declared we were going to be getting really busy sometime in January. We were told we'd be having meetings to declare whether or not we wanted to take on more challenges, and that this would be happening in late February. February came and went, and in mid-March our sales numbers were not looking good.

Sure enough, there was a round of layoffs last week. I was not shocked. I was actually surprised I wasn't laid off. It honestly made sense to lay me off, since my co-worker who used to work in my department had been trained in what I did so that I could go on maternity leave. When he and I had both been offered a new position one week after my return, I reviewed all the possibilities of that new career direction and determined it wasn't for me. I decided to decline being considered for the position, hoping that I would then be closer to the head of the line for being considered "unnecessary". If the company were to cut off all excess fat, well, I was definitely a chunk of lard after that. Monday morning, March 25th, I was putting on my shoes for the day asking myself (and it was not the first time) if I'd felt good in the outfit I was wearing if I were to get laid off that day. Little did I know... that afternoon, around 4pm on a very slow day, I was called into the HR lady's office and was "let go". Thankfully, I was the last of 3 and did not get the full shock. Nonetheless, when I got the request to go upstairs after the first two, knowing what was happening and even wanting the outcome, my heart was beating out of my chest! There were tears in the eyes of both of my superiors there that day when I entered the room. I immediately assured them that this happening to me was a good thing. Little did they know that I had wanted to get laid off since the day I had returned... some 8 months ago! I honestly have been asking God on a daily basis to help me. We are currently living in a 1-bedroom apartment with a cat that is just driving us nuts. I could go on and on about the details, but suffice it to say a lot of people could probably not stand our routine around here! There was such a mix of elation (like I had won the lottery - God had answered my calls and cries!) and fear. One moment I was high on the idea of being with the daughter all day long, and the next my gut tightened as I wondered how in the world Greg and I were going to afford to live.

6 years of awesome Jenelle stuff packed up.

I Facebooked this picture to the right before I even left, with the status caption: "I just got laid off. I would have been here 6 years on April 10th. It's the end of an incredible era, and hopefully the beginning of a great chapter. All I do know is that I am ecstatic to proclaim my new title, one I have been wanting for awhile: Jenelle Romero, SAHM. Stay At Home Mom!".

I started off Tuesday morning at Starbucks. It was completely surreal. We have paid for Grace's daycare for another week or so, so I have decided to take some time to myself to get my head straight and to plan Grace's birthday party this Saturday. (Side note: I totally left work on her real birthday last Monday so that we could spend the day with her... I knew in my gut that I was most likely going to get laid off soon, and I knew I would never be able to forgive myself if I got laid off right after missing spending Grace's first birthday with her.) I did a little research on unemployment and freelance work. I had already filed my unemployment claim Monday night, at the advice of a friend. I eventually got bored sitting there on my laptop feeling so out of place and lost. I went to my parents' house up the hill, but they were gone and did no come home. I spent an hour working on some of their computer issues and then was off to take Grace to her follow-up appointment. It was a 1/2 SAHM kind of day.  We were going to check how the albuterol nebulizer had worked on Gracie's poor little lungs that had been diagnosed with bronchiolitis last week.  I didn't think it was working, as her chest still sounded and felt clogged, and she'd been up for an hour the night before coughing literally every few minutes from 1am - 2am.  I was a bit of a nervous wreck wondering how I was going to go to the appointment alone.  I know it's silly, but I'm a working Mom here.  I've only had to take her alone a couple times, and those times were NOT easy. Mind you she was younger too!  I kept my cool, though.  I just told myself I had no choice and to just take it one thing at a time.  This normally sounds like complete crap to me.  Hey, it actually works!  The appointment, well, it went swimmingly!  It was a cinch.  I felt like World's #1 Mom.  Her lungs were clear but it was now considered by the doc to be her upper respiratory.  He found she had an earache.  It had crossed my mind, but I had not made a very obvious connection until he told me.   Grace had been trying to tell us!  She started some odd behavior over the weekend... knocking her head on the carseat (right side) and hitting her head (right side).  We just thought the carseat thing was a sensory thing, like maybe she was learning about what happened when you hit your head on something and it hurts. LOL! The hitting her head thing coincided with a lot of reading of the book No More Monkeys Jumping On the Bed.  If you're not familiar with it, there's a lot of monkeys hitting themselves on the head when they fall off the bed onto the floor.  We are the bad parents that bonk her and ourselves on the head when we read this repetitive book, and we are the parents that assumed she was just playing.  She honestly hit herself on the head when I sang the book's song, so can you blame me?  Oh well, mystery solved thank God. 

We needed to both give blood (hers for allergy testing), I needed to do a pee test and then we had to pick up her medicine at the pharmacy downstairs.

Now it is Wednesday night.  I'm sitting here knowing I need to go to bed, but with a weird "but I don't have to" urge inside me telling me to continue.  With the sole fact that I am promising myself to make blogging at night a new commitment, I am going to leave things here for now and come back and finish as soon as I can.  Hopefully tomorrow!

Hiding in the closet!

Holding hands on the way to daycare. :)

Gracie's 1st Halloween!

Camera Phone Picture Update!

Lots of FIRSTS all in the last month

Grace started crawling last month.  It's been so crazy around here with her being sick, though, that I've been taking very little pictures and video.  This is killing me, as she's been growing & learning so fast that this has been the best time!  I've really enjoyed getting to see more of her personality peek out and she's just been such a joy to be around.  Her smile is changing too.

Grace got her FIRST TOOTH (this is a biggie!) 2 weeks ago.  It took 1 week to show a pearly white, and another for the 2nd one (on the right) to join it.  I thought losing her gummy grin was going to be such a loss -- far from it!  I just cannot get enough of her funny toothy smile!  It's big and wide, and makes me heart so happy.

Grace ate her first "solid" food.  We made it a HUGE deal.  It was about two weeks ago and it was rice cereal.  There are about 300 photos documenting the occasion, and I wish there were more. Haha.

Grace is starting to CLIMB!  She's been a crawling monster since the get-go, never stopped for anything in her way, or to take a breath really.  Last week she climbed over Greg and onto the couch to get something.  Yeah.  My Mom said she should be a tank for Halloween because of how she just plows through everything.  Hehe, too bad we have something too perfect up our sleeved already!

She helped me take this reenactment picture. :)

Grace woke me up with her head up over the top of the crib.  I heard the usual morning baby girl "coos" coming from the crib.  I had my back turned to the crib as I woke, half listening to her babbles a.k.a. deep conversation with her stuffed animals, and half wishing I could get 1 more minute of sleep.  That lasted a few minutes until the "coos" changes to her calls for Mommy.  They are so darling.  I turned around expecting the usual angel face peeping-through-the-crib-bar at me, but instead was startled to see a dark shadow of a big baby head looming over the crib wall and looking down at me.  AH!  I'm not sure if she was kneeling or standing because I leaped out of bed, ran to her and picked her up all in the same second.  It was a heart-racing experience.  Oh, and I can't forget to mention that she cooed her "haaa" at me when I picked her up (that's Grace for "hi").  So sweet.

Actual stand-up moment.  Look at her concentration! ;)

Grace stood up all by herself this weekend.  Mind you she's done this a couple times without me around for Greg or my Mom... I got to see it and I was so proud!  She crawled up to my chair, gnawed on the bottom rung, pulled herself up to her knees, grabbed ahold of the top of the seat (I'm hovering over her with my arms) and then she pulled herself up to her feet.  Just amazing to witness. :) We are often getting her away from all the tables and chairs when she's at home, trying to avoid all the bleeding-mouth and head-bonking opportunities.  It's very scary as a parent, but I've learned it's scary for her too.  When she's up on her feet and holding on to something but starts to sway, I see her face now get that "oh crap" look on it.  It's funny and heartbreaking all in the same instant.  I don't remember her being able to predict "I'm gunna fall!" before now.  (Then Mommy swoops in a saves the day, of course.  I get to be Super Moooom!

Family!

Last week you began to really crawl.  It's been so exciting!  You are pulling your knees up under you and are really on the move.  I confess, I had to actually stop you a couple times by giving you what you were reaching for so that you would not really crawl until I had a camera out. (You Mom is crazy!) You are so fast too -- we can hardly keep anything away from you, you little stinker.  We are so proud of you. :) You are and always have been such a strong girl.  I think you are going to be an athlete like you Dad!  I was very athletic too when I was young... I loved to ride bikes and run.  I even won a race once, not to mention a few ribbons in the elementary school's "Olympics" (obstacle course).  You gave me lots of strong kicks in the womb, and you are still so strong.  You are pretty rambunctious too... we can hardly hold you nowadays.  You want to jump right out of our arms, and you often practically do!  We have to hold you very carefully!  You also love to lean back while we are holding you, trying to get free... you don't quite understand yet that that would hurt. ;)

This week you have started to play with your hair while you eat.  You pull at your chestnut brown hair, thin and wildly strewn about these days.  I would guess you hair is averaging about 5 inches in length!!  It is very long for your age, so we have to give you a nice comb-over.  Don't worry, it looks adorable!  I'd put more headbands and bows on you, but daycare seems to lose them, so we save the fancy hair-dos for the weekends. :)

Today I received a Facebook message from my cousin Angie, who I have only met a couple times.  I haven't seen her since the summer before I turned 14.  She's just a few years younger than me.  She wanted to know if I knew of anyone who was researching the Wittman side of our family (my Mom's).  She came the the right place, because you Momma loves genealogy!  Grandma Evie even bought me a subscription to Ancestry.com this last Christmas. (Unfortunately I got a little busy at work and preparing for my growing belly to pop to really take advantage of it before it expired.) Anyways, I spent the majority of today at my desk rekindling my hunger for facts and pictures about our family.  It was such an exciting day!!  I discovered some pictures that I have never seen, and I'd guess most of the family has never seen.  They are from scanned yearbooks.  Dude, old yearbooks are like the coolest thing in my book right now.  I love how they document a blossoming time in peoples' lives, and I adore how artistic they were in the early 1900s.  The yearbook staff in those days were real artisans... photographers and historians.  I have great respect for them! (Though I did find a typo in one, LOL!)  Here are a couple pictures I found today... hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

 Your great grandfather on my Mom's side - Projection Crew?  Awesome!

 His dad was on the school's football team... he was the team captain!  Front and center. :)

 Here he is again... he looks like he beefed up.

So articulate back then... check out all the cheeky sayings for each student.

 A close-up of your great great granddaddy.

I'll have to gather some more soon and document them here. :)  That's all for today!  Such treasures, right?  I feel like I just discovered a bag full o' gold!

A Letter to A New MOM

 

("Mommy's sweetie" circa 3 months old)

I wrote like the wind today, and that rarely happens. I felt my heart being poured out on the glowing LCD screen... and it made me realize that I want to record this in another place (besides my Facebook 'Sent' folder) so that I can possibly happen upon it at a later time.  It is a reply to an exchange with a friend, a mother of a baby only a few weeks old, an exchange that started in just a few simple words that totally broke my heart when her message popped up on my iPhone.  It read: "Please tell me it gets easier ;(".  This was my first real communication from her since she gave birth.  I of course replied that it did.  The below is what I wrote to a Momma who went on to say that she felt like quitting and felt like a horrible Mom. (This woman who is doubting herself, who I've known since we lived next door to each other when my husband and I first got married in 2007, was born to be a mother!  She is one of the most kind and sweet ladies I know, and I would trust her to raise my own daughter.) Gee whiz do I recall feeling like quitting... because I was out of resources and depleted of any restorative rest for weeks on end (sleep deprivation is an actual method of torture!).  Maybe this will help another new Mom, maybe it won't. I have all of 5.5 months under my Mom belt, so who am I? I just hope that some of my experiences that I share below can help to make a difference in someone's life. Some stories I read on the internet have made my day, while others have changed my life. All it took was someone posting it... so here I go. Let it fall where it will. :)

PS - I admit some embarrassing things below.  Please go easy on me.  I look forward to the day I can ask forgiveness of my sweet daughter for the times when I failed her.

My letter...

You are MORE than sane! You are being honest and the fact that you even feel like a "horrible mom" means that you are far from one. None of us are perfect... and it seems like the first lesson of Motherhood we learn is that we fail every single day at something, but we get back up and try again each day. I know Greg and I made many huge mistakes and lost our tempers at times... and we wish we could take it back, but we can't. It's OK, because I look at our parents and they made huge mistakes... but we turned out somewhat decent and we are healthy & happy and love them still! ;) That is WONDERFUL that _______ is there with you for 2 months. Praise GOD! Praise God even more that you have a husband that WANTS to be there with you two and WANTS to help. I don't know HOW single Moms do it... and Greg was such a lifesaver to me. God will give you strength to get through anything, just like childbirth... He will not give you more than you can handle. That is always what I clung to when I was having a hard day... that and looking forward to the next time or day when I was going to get some help, LOL. Take each day one at a time and before you know it, her colicky little belly will mature and you will have new and different challenges. That's not what you may want to hear, but it's the truth. Every time I talk with the Mommas here at my work who are months ahead of me they tell me that what I am going through now (Grace still gets up several times a night) will pass. EVERYTHING is a phase. That is truth that is comforting! "This too shall pass" and nothing is forever... just like the Bible says in Ecclesiastes. I used to cry my eyeballs out... like BALL LIKE A BABY while holding Grace - I was just so miserable. Sometimes that would be what shut her up and put her to sleep... I'd cry for a minute or two and when I opened my eyes it was like God gave me a little miracle and *poof* she was asleep. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a similar situation like our newborn experience. I had a hard time looking at people's Facebooks (I had 2 friends who had babies born a week apart form Grace. One before, one after) and seeing how easy it was for them. You can imagine my frustration when I would see the Momma of a 3-week-old and 3 other kids saying, "Making cookies!" when I couldn't even wipe my own butt without a screaming baby... and FORGET eating anything before 2pm without a huge sacrifice. Then the other Momma posted a picture of her baby sleeping on her lap while sitting at a Starbucks. I was like "?!?#?#$?$?#$?@#$@%%!!!!!!" Ya know what I mean? My situation was very different. But I would tell people that and I would even whine to my doctor (he sucked by the way) and they would encourage me not to compare our family to others.

Tell me about it... I wanted to quit too!!!! I wanted to run away, but at the same time I was so in love with my little girl that I didn't know what to do with myself as soon as I got away from her for the first time. Trust me, God and nature have blessed us with something beautiful called newborn amnesia... you think it is so traumatic now that you will never forget, but you do. You really will. Even the traumatic things Greg & I do recount sometimes... the memories are numbed and you look back and say "it was worth it and I would do it again for her!"

Also, when I say I was in love with Grace... it was more of a knowledge, not always a FEELING! There were times that I disliked her and I would tell her that. (I know that sounds awful.) I would FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get her to sleep for a nap which was nearly impossible and the SECOND (no exaggeration) I laid my head down on the pillow she would start fussing again. I came to have major anxiety and would cringe every time I heard her make those noises. I distinctly remember telling my Dad I felt like Grace was being a "brat" that day and I felt awful saying it but I told him it was the truth.

The actual love *feeling* for your baby sometimes even takes a little while, and that's OK. I probably didn't really feel the crazy LOVE in my heart for Grace until I came out of the survival fog. If you guys are like us, we were in survival mode for a LONG time. I bled for 10 weeks after having Grace to find out I had rotting placental pieces in there... no wonder we had thrush that wouldn't go away! My body was trying to heal all SORTS of things! No wonder I didn't have the ability to do much more than survive, right? You do what is priority and let everything else fall to the side. Housework and all that jazz, who cares. That's what family and friends are for. (We'd love to come help you do any chores by the way, please let us do some when we come and visit!) Oh, and now I have a term that I call BABY LOVE DRUG. Having a child is the best drug in all the world. It gives you the HIGHEST high you will ever have in your life (and it just keeps on giving, no diminishing returns!) but it also brings some of the lowest lows. Anything worth something though takes work, sacrifice, pain and a cost. Anything truly free would not be valued the way something is when you have to pay a price.

The more you talk to Moms out there you will find out that 80% of them can relate to you on most of what you're going through... I have NO idea why Moms don't warn you about this before the baby. I guess they don't want to burst your "ignorance is bliss" happiness bubble. I was SHOCKED that it was so difficult because Greg and I are people that go above and beyond in everything that we do no matter how hard, and we could barely handle it... so how does the rest of society do this? The honest truth is that people don't always tell you about their struggles. People post the happy things and smiley pictures on Facebook. I wanted SOOO BAD to post all my miserable struggles on Facebook, but I didn't want to look like I was complaining. I had desired my beautiful baby so badly, I didn't want to look ungrateful and immature. BUT, there is definitely a NEED for that and a place for it... with friends!

My advice for today is...

* Make sure you have a good pediatrician. Greg and I are just NOW finally deciding we are not happy with ours, even though we were "iffy" about him from the get-go. If you're not in love with yours, get a new one. Looking back, someone we liked and who actually CARED about what we were going through and was attentive to Grace could have saved us a TON of stress and tears and arguments and grey hairs. We are going to be switching.

* Try an exercise ball. You're like, "Whaaaa?" Seriously, this saved our LIVES and sanity. One of my best friends was moving to LA and stopped by to meet Gracie. She just happened to have been a nanny for the past couple years to 2 babies and she just HAPPENED to have her exercise ball in her car that she had packed up on her move up there. She blew it up for us and we bounced away... Grace was happy. It is so exhausting having to hold them all the time. Grace would pretty much only sleep ON us. Preferably Greg after I would feed, he'd hold her and burp her and try to keep her upright so she could digest her food. The ball lets you sit down but keep them moving and bouncing to their heart's content. We have since retired the ball because at some point the baby needs to learn to self-soothe and go nighty night with very LITTLE work on your part because they get heavy, etc etc. So I would love to bring over the ball for you if you'd like to try it. I will blow it up for you too... it comes with a little foot pump.

* ROUTINE!! Oh my gosh I wish I had known to do this earlier!! They say that babies have very little that they know and are familiar with, so having a routine (as much as is possible) is very comforting to them. We didn't really do this with Grace until she was like 3 months old! Having a routine such as eat, play sleep, repeat... and a bedtime routine... they are very comforting to a baby, even in the beginning. I'm sure you have read about that, but if you want, give it a try and see if you notice any difference in 3 days (I've read 3 days is how long it takes to change a behavior).

I have lots of other advice from my months of experience with a sweet but sad baby, but for now the above are my little nuggets of advice for the day. Grace smiled very early on and was such a sweetheart... but there was obvious pain and discomfort going on (besides the brace she had to wear!) that just broke my heart. _____ is such a sweetheart for having to go through so much at such a young age. The poor things have to leave our warm bellies and enter a scary world! Take everyone's (including mine) advice as a grain of salt and go with what you like. TRUST your instincts... I cannot stress that enough! Even doctors... you know your baby best.<3 Mommas have a special gift of instinct, which is no surprise after the bond we have after carrying them for 9 months.<3

We love you guys so much and I hope we can come over soon. I'd like to come on a lunch break some time even just for a quick visit to bring you food or something. I remember how much a prepared meal meant the WORLD and a million dollars back then. We are super busy this weekend but were talking last night that we could come over after work. Grace is a lot easier to take out of the house these days, Praise God. Would tomorrow night work for you guys? Let me know. :)

Hugs and hugs and more hugs! You both are doing a great job!! If she's still alive, then you are a success. It's a ton of work, but it is SO exponentially rewarding. You just haven't been able to reap any harvest yet. Once you start getting smiles, giggles and she reaches for you when you come home... your heart will be SO happy.

OK I officially just wrote a book there. I need to go get this published, LOL. Hope I brought some joy or laughter or relief to your day. I'll say it again... we cannot wait to meet _____!

Love,
Jenelle

The Races

Saturday we went to the races with my Mom & Dad. My Dad and I went years ago, back when I was going to community college and working part-time (the easy life!). We had SO much fun that day, we vowed to go again. Every year I tell my Dad we'll go, and every year I forget until it's too late we almost missed them again this year but we finally made it happen! I won about $13 on the first race with a quinella bet, but over the next few races Greg and I left with 60 cents. ;) We only bet the minimum, and if you count parking we lost. The family time and memories are priceless of course!

I was so impressed with my baby girl's temperament. She enjoyed all the people-watching (just like Mommy & Daddy there) and surprised me by handling all the hollering at the end of each race just fine! :)

It has been SO nice now that we have been able to take her out in public with very few hiccups. It was so stressful for the first few months with feedings and naps... and not being able to pump anything for bottles to easy the burden. It's been about 2 months since her last "meltdown" that caused us to leave our good friends' baby shower just after arriving, which was most likely caused by gas. Poor thing.

So glad we got to experience the races with my Dad & Grace together. I took more pictures, but this is what I have on my phone!  You better believe she got tons of "oohs" and "aahs" from the ladies in her classic big hat! A strawberry hat for my Little Strawberry, of course! ;) A gift from Emily!