Friday, December 2, 2011

Let's Talk Farts

Nobody told me that being pregnant was like turning into a weighty, old man.

I now fart a lot, and fart like a seasoned pro.  I rumble like a tricked out Harley peeling out of some asphalt, except there's no cool motorcycle... and lot more assssphalt. :(  Nobody wanted to tell me, an unknowing, naïve young thing living my life pre-blessed-parasite, the things about pregnancy that would be discouraging, I've discovered.  Here are some of my observations about pregnancy thus far, and yes I am willing to scare -- I mean share:
  • Morning sickness is morning-noon-and-night sickness.  I think they just call it morning sickness because pregnant women are too tired to finish explaining... but I would wake up in the middle of the night seasick as if I was snoozing on a fishing boat.

  • I cannot roll over in bed without a lot of huffing a puffing.

  • I can barely dress myself.  I did not know that one of my daily struggles would be standing on one foot and trying to balance long enough to get my legs in/out of clothing without toppling over.

  • I can hardly wipe myself after using the restroom... no matter what I try.  It's getting more difficult, in fact.  I seriously just had an experience before I sat down to write this where I felt like I was about to dislocate a rib with all the reaching.  Which leads me to wonder... if my stomach is going to grow another 20 cm or so, should I invent some sort of pregnancy butt wiper?  I'm envisioning something resembling a cat scratcher.  Maybe I just need a bidet... which leads me to my next point...

  • Oh, the farting.  About a week ago the uncontrollable, unsuspecting embarrassment bombs began.  I was in Motherhood Maternity.  Thank God, right? Somewhere I can feel understood a.k.a. get away with itBrrroooooo.  "Oh my gosh, how did that just happen?  No warning!"  Greg came in like the Knight In Shining Armour that he is and chuckles, "did you just fart?"  Squeeeeak.  As we bought our Christmas tree last night at Home Depot.  "Hopefully the tree lifter guy did not hear that thanks to me timing it with the chainsaw," I think to myself.  Brrrrttrrrttrtrrtrt rttt.  Loud and clear in the office I go.  Where I'll stop?  I do not know!!!! :( Just when I think I'm done farting, I fart again.  I have come to accept I will be heard... but I wonder, does the general population really let pregnant women off the hook for these noise/air disturbances?

  • OW!  My hips -- usually my left hip.  It feels partially dislocated and this is why I waddle.  It's not my weight, really, but the fact that my legs simply do not feel like they hit the ground evenly anymore.  This is likely due to relaxin, which is a hormone that decides it likes to relax all of your joints (not just those in the pelvic area which is quite helpful), so it relaxes joints all over your body -- including your feet, which is why my already huge feet may become even more monstrous.

  • Heartburn.  That is all.
  • I've learned terms such as "round ligament pain" and I've also learned that all these dang terms mean something (usually) different for every woman.  I'm not sure why, but the definition of round ligament pain never sounded like what I experience.  I asked at my recent appointment what was happening when I feel electric-like shocks on my abs (or where they have moved to).  The first time it happened I felt a physical touch and thought my cat had tapped on my belly, and since I've felt some strong enough to make me gasp, as if someone's whacked me with their hand.  I asked her if these were Braxton Hicks, even though it didn't sound like it.  The nurse told me it's round ligament pain, but Google and Baby Center have never described anything like this for me.  I'm sure I'll find someone who can relate eventually!

  • A constant backache has arrived... specifically while sitting for long periods of time at work or in the car.  Sometimes it's my lower back, often it's my upper.  I find myself grabbing for anything to place behind me for some relief.  Yes, the dog & the cat are safe... for now.

  • I gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks.  Thanks to my bi-monthly appointments due to being high-risk for pre-eclampsia, I know this.

...AND I'M ONLY 6 MONTHS (tomorrow)!!  The "barely"s and "hardly"s above will become "cannot"s in no time.  It's just a matter of fact.  My, what a journey being pregnant is like!  I have called it a rollercoaster ride before... one that you want to get off of but will last 10 months instead.  This was when I was in the "morning sickness stage".  I do not feel like that any longer.  It is so much fun in the 2nd trimester, while you're feeling well and starting to feel all the fun sensations of a growing baby.  Kicks, tumbles, hiccups (first felt this morning) and finding out the gender surprise.

As I approach my 3rd trimester, though, I realize being pregnant is more of an identity crisis.  At least for me it is.  I often forget I'm a walking methane balloon.  Sometimes I hop onto the bed only to feel my belly ache in response and remind me I'm pregnant.  Sometimes I try to bend over and pick up something, but my weight reminds me -- you can't do that!  Not so fast!!  Slow going is where it's at for my body.  I'm going to a bar tomorrow night for my friend's birthday, but I'll be reminded that I cannot partake in anything alcoholic.  Strict diet for me!  Oh, and did I think I could get up all by myself?  I need Greg's assistance to get up from the bed/couch/floor/everywhere at an increasing rate.

I rest my case: I am an old man.  Ladies don't fart.  So call me Walter.  Jenelle will hopefully be back next Spring. ;) And please know that I am just poking fun.  Though pregnancy is so much more than I bargained for (I have at times wished for a period cramps instead), I know I am totally blessed to have this opportunity to grow life inside me. :) I have been trying to keep my complaints to a minimum (well, maybe not around Greg), but I thought I'd get this all out on "paper" and have a laugh!  I know my little girl will be worth it... 1,000 times. :)


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